i just want to know

nothing could make me happier
than to know if i was really going to die at 40
like i so badly want to.

i just want to know.
need to know.
i want to be able to make the appropriate choices.
i want to receive a confirmation.
and if not 40, then when?
i dont want to know how.
just when.

i know this is ridiculous.
but there are just things i need to plan.
and i know many people do that without knowing anything at all.
but this just happens to be my style.
just too hard to plan without any info at all!

and my friends always say, dont think so much
just let things happen naturally.
which you know, is totally true, and i agree!
that that may really be the best course of action..!
but i just cant help it.
i cant help being cautious, cant help worrying.
cant help wanting the best outcome
cant help wanting to do things right.
the right way, the proper way,
so that things do not go wrongly the way they did before.
i just want to know, so that i can try to minimise the damage!

so maybe my plan should be
to let things happen naturally.
to stop thinking so much.
cos no matter how much i think
i will still never know what might happen right?
okay.

but i think i still need a proper plan.
one that i can fall back on
in the event that i cant stop thinking.
i need to know i should do.!

oh, life is too hard!
and just way too tiring for me to handle!