so i did cry. i wanted to cry, and i did. at like 7 in the morning yesterday.

it wasnt supposed to happen that way.
it was supposed to be a nice long (serious) conversation over the weekend when he booked out, but before we met up next week.
but i couldnt help it. just trying to translate everything into english would have killed me.

i never thought i would be so selfish to ask, to demand so much. but i did. just for the sake of knowing if i would get it.
i didnt.
apparently it was too much.
was it too much? maybe i shouldnt have asked. i should have just left it where it was. then i wouldnt have gotten my heart broken.

what i dont know cant hurt me.
can it?

but i did ask. so i cried.
except that i kinda expected to flood the whole damn house, not just drench myself. the same way i didnt expect to be so freakin calm when i told rag.
it was too calm. even i thought it was weird. its even weird as i think of it now. i was (seemingly) completely devoid of any emotion. feeling. thought.

is that good? does that mean that im finally learning to control myself? that im learning to get a grip of my life, instead of letting it waste away?
or am i just suppressing everything i feel inside, like i did before, when i was willing to settle for what i had?

no, i didnt have anything.
i was just willing to settle for what i could get.

so the question is, can i settle again?