im so tired..

life really is one helluva roller coaster ride..

in the past almost 2 weeks since i last updated my blog
i have

panicked.
countless times.
from being scared.
from being lost.
in the middle of no where.
in front of people i dont know.
the moment i woke up.
because i dont know what else to do.
because of silly things.
or because of nothing.

cried.
for no reason.
from panicking.
from heartache.
from hopelessness.
from sadness.
from loss.
from disappointment.
for myself.
in a taxi.
in front of strangers.
in front of people i dont want to see me cry.
in front of people who have never seen me cry.
to anyone who will care.
to anyone who wont.
because i dont know what else to do.
while i was driving.
myself to sleep.
in my sleep.
into a tshirt.
when i dont want to.
when im trying not to.
when i least expect it.
when i think.
when i think im okay.
when i think im not.

smsed.
the longest message in my life.
the entire 1000 characters available in a single message.

gotten angry.
at someone i love.
at someone i still love very much.

been disappointed.
severely.
by someone i love.
by someone i still love very much.
by someone i least expected it from.
by someone i believed would never do that to me.

tried to grow up.
by trying to be mature about things.
by trying to be a bigger person.
by trying to give as much as i possibly can.
by trying to handle things as properly as i can.
by trying to face things that i dont want to face.
by trying to be strong.
by trying not to fall apart.
by trying not to cry.

never been so afraid to sleep.
because i think before i sleep.
because i think too much.
because thinking keeps me awake.
because thinking makes me upset.
because being upset makes me cry.
because crying is painful.
because the pain doesnt seem to go away.

been rejected.
many times.
too many times.
by more people than should be allowed.
more often than is good for the soul.

waited.
for hours.
for hours that turn into days.
for days that.. that dont turn into anything.
for things that i know wont happen.
for things that i dont want to happen.
for things that i dont want to hear.
to hear things that i dont want to know.
to hear things that i already know.
to start crying.
to stop crying.
even in my dreams.

moaned.
at the top of my voice.
for a very long time.
all around my house.
hoping that it will help.
hoping that some pain will go away.
hoping that the bad things will just disappear.

thought.
a lot.
all the time.
about my life.
about the choices that i made.
about the kind of friend that i am.
about the kind of girlfriend that i am. was.
about the things i would not change, not for the world.
about the experiences that we shared.
about the life we shared.
about the good times that we had.
about the not so good times that we had.
about what i did wrong.
about what i could have done.
about what i should have done.
about what i should not have done.
about what i would do differently.
about what happens from here.

prayed.
like i have never prayed before.
because i dont know what else to do.
myself to sleep.
the moment i wake up.
during my sleep.
for i dont even know what.
for someone who made me panic,
who made me cry,
who made me angry,
who disappointed me,
who made me grow up,
who kept me awake,
who rejected me,
who made me wait,
who made me moan,
who made me think.
for someone who made me scared,
who got me lost,
who made me feel vulnerable,
who made my heart break,
who made me fall apart.
for someone i love.
for someone i still love very much.
for someone who loves me. loved me.