i dont believe this day.

appalled. i am simply too appalled.
how can i even begin to describe today.

certainly one of the crappiest days of recent times,
and trust me, i have had my fair share of those this year.

i suppose the most annoying thing about today
is that whatever it is, everything is my fault.
my opinion doesnt matter, or what i have to say,
or what really happened.
the fingers all just point to me as a default,
and then im supposed to run up and fix it
with a big smile of enthusiasm plastered on my face.

oh wow, isnt that just lovely.

today is a day i find myself being hugely surprised
at how affected others can get by trivial matters.
i suppose whats trivial is subjective, but still i am puzzled.
so puzzled that i simply cannot get it out of my mind.
i want to know if i really am at fault here.
i want to know if the reaction i have caused is really warranted.
i am starting to obsess over the whole issue,
i just need some answers.

unfortunately, like all other issues in my fantastical life.
there is never an answer.
the people you need the answers from either never have them,
or dont want to give them to you.
neither do they want to assist in your search.
leaving you hanging is much easier.

youre left to ponder on your own the whole day
letting it eat at you
until youre finally desperate enough
to scroll through your entire address book
looking for someone you think you can get help from.

thats when you start hearing your heart pounding in your ears
so loudly
feel it thumping in your chest
so hard
feel it sinking down
so low
so hard
so fast
so heavy
not for the first (or second) time this day.

because you realise that there's no one.

there is only you.