aiya so crap..
found out that i might have to go back to melb sooner than i'd like to..
like straight after the cny hols..?
was damn sian for like a while..
and i even made some noise to myself at the bus stop..!
(which was thankfully devoid of humans)
but i sat myself down for a while before heading home
to calm myself down and force myself to be positive.

fact of which is, im lazy.
is that why i dont want to go back?
because im enjoying my life here too much, slacking and bumming?
probably.

just last night i had a sudden bout of feeling useless.
i mean, think about it.
i have no real talent. no real hobby. no real interest. no real ambition.
that leaves me with.. yes you got it.. NOTHING!

i mean yes, i have things that i want to do.
but im so lazy i dont do anything about them!
its like when i learnt piano.. or french..
died the moment i needed to do an ounce of work.
(my parents let us do pretty much what we wanted, ie nothing!)
which is SUCH a pity!
cos now when i think about it..
its damn cool to be able to speak french.. or play the piano for that matter!

i mean, just a simple thing like french can boost my resume so much!
and after meeting all these cool people from all over the world on my central australia trip, and picking up "how are you" in dutch and german..
i SO wanna learn a european language!!
but guess what.. im a language idiot! haha!

on my malaysia trip with my korean friend, i was suddenly thinking about what i was doing.. i mean in school.
nothing actually.
well nothing useful at least.
taking art subjects simply because i dont want to write papers?
thats ridiculous!
and im not even that artistically inclined!
just think its fun.. to play around and make stuff with my hands..
im not even serious about it!
like im pretty sure im not gonna be an artist man..?
so i got scared shitless.
and i started thinking if it was too late to jump ship.
change my course. to.... international relations? haha (that was what my friend was doing)
economics? business? something career-enhancing?

but like i was too scared to do anything.
what if i hated it and became miserable (most likely)
what if my parents thought i was mad (neutral)
what if my parents got angry (likely)
and what if i had just stayed put in my course?!

so of course, lazy (and scared) me didnt do anything about it.

i do feel a lot better now..
i feel a lot better about choosing my subjects out of interest, rather than of future commercial or economic viability.
although i must say that it was thanks to my dear sec 4 class prefects, that i am very much comforted by the fact that im not the only one who has no idea what to do after graduation.
i guess i can figure out working life when i actually get to it hey..?

and i suppose going back to melb a little earlier will be good as well right?
it'll give me some time to get some things in order..
like start going for lessons so i can get my drivers license!
and maybe looking for a job (which means i should do up my resume NOW?!!!) so i can buy you guys presents!
finally go for the damn yoga classes (that i was too fucking lazy to go for) in my tiny-step-at-a-time attempt to get myself a bit more fit and flexible!

there. ive said it. now lets see if i actually do it.
heh.